The "Maayan" Belief System.

 No people, I'm not talking about the ancient civilization of the Mayans here, I'm talking about me...

I've always been a little bit weird about my religion and beliefs. I'm being raised Jewish, I celebrate Shabbat dinners, observe the holidays, and have been Bat-Mitzvah-ed but for some reason, throughout the years I have differed on my beliefs a little bit. Until high school, I attended Jewish schools. I had prayer in the morning, no after school activities on Friday, nor school obligations on Saturday and especially got days off from school for the Jewish holidays, even the least significant ones. But I have found that my belief has faltered a little since I came to public school. I still remember how on my first day, I was caught off guard. I was supposed to be heading to the auditorium and pray now, something I so dearly had faith in. I eventually got used to the fact that the bell that dismissed me from first period did not also signal for time for devotion. It was just another bell.

I don’t know what it was that changed my devotion to G-d but I do know that I hate it.  It scares me that I conveniently “decide” to believe in G-d when I need someone to get better, or someone to blame. I would LOVE to believe that there is a divine being that overlooks everything and hears our prayers and decides our future 24/7. But right now that doesn’t look like its gonna happen soon so I believe in myself instead. I am the only one who can decide my future by acting on the now. I can't change whether my sick friends get better or whether my loved ones stay healthy but what I can change is whether I’m happy or not, and I can do that by changing all the deciding factors in my life. Maybe in a few years, I’ll mature or something will change. But till then, I can’t be blamed simply for not believing in something.